In the Cave

I just noticed that I haven't blogged since Sunday. Where have I been? It appears that I've retreated into "writing mode..."

I'm definitely in a holed-up state of mind these days. I'm working on the draft of my essay on the identity and economics of "craft" for Maria Elena Buszak's forthcoming book about contemporary art and craft. It's due on Saturday, and I didn't get a very good head start on it.

So, I'm passing days in the familiar old mode that I call "writing," which consists of cleaning my apartment, reading terribly unimportant things online, tending to neglected houseplants, and shuffling papers, and sometimes I even write things down on the papers. All the while fully aware that there is this other thing I need to do that I don't much want to do: buckle down.

The buckling down will happen. When it comes to deadlines, I'm an 11th hour kinda girl. Meanwhile, I have faith that the thoughts and ideas are busy organizing themselves in my brain, despite the fact at this moment I'm not even sure what "craft" is...

Of course, at the same time I'm riddled with the anxiety that I will not be able to turn any phrases, that the ideas will get stuck somewhere between my brain and my fingers, and when I try to write it out all I'll get is gibberish. This is an abiding anxiety that has swollen over the past few years, replacing the old anxiety that I'll never be able to buckle down.

Remind me, why do I put myself through this?? (Why do any of us?)

Well, I've been around this block enough times to know this is just the way it goes.

And as my friend Hrag and I always say when we're both under deadline and busy not-writing, "it's all part of the process."

So that's where I've been. Working on the process. I should be back to dwell in the world of the living in a couple of days!

Meanwhile, thanks to my old friend Mason in CA for sending me a wonderful mix that will serve as my soundtrack as I finish this project. I think I'll put it on continuous loop, letting tunes from Nina Simone's "Feeling Good" to Santo & Johnny's "Sleepwalk" surf me through the rough waters. (Though what I really want is a "Ghostwriter," as in Track 9. Mase, how did you know?)

I'm going back into the cave now. See y'all on the other side...

Photo: the cave I've retreated into that I have to surf out of (sourced here)